When Columbus Discovered the Industrial Revolution2

WHEN COLUMBUS DISCOVERED THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION

Picture it. 8^th grade. No, not your eighth grade. I don’t know anything about that, and I don’t want to. It’s my story, remember? I’m talking about when I was in eighth grade. So hurry up and picture it so I can get along with the story here.

It’s early 1994. I’m in English class. As with most of my schooling, I have no recollection of what the heck we are studying. What I do know, however, is that the subject of Christopher Columbus has come up. You remember Chris. Swell guy, sailed some ships and did that whole “discovering” America thing, right?

Do you know when he did that? Sure, you do! Every freaking kid big enough to wear pull-ups and say “Mommy Wow” knows. I knew all about it the moment I came out of the womb! You think I jest but believe me when I say I slipped out telling countless stories of Ol’ Cristóbal Colón and his crazier-than-crazy-ass adventures across this little pearl (or puck, maybe… depending on what time period you lived, or will live… it’s not impossible to think it won’t come around again) we call Earth. Or “World”.

Point is, everyone and their microscopic bacteria (and some fungi) knows about it.

Everyone, that is, except for a certain teacher with whom my parents have entrusted my care, and bestowed their son’s educational tutelage upon. (I don’t think that last sentence is quite right but you get the drift). For some reason, this gem of an authority figure, purveyor of all that is accurately English, has no freaking clue when Columbus discovered America – an observation made disturbingly clear by this utterance:

“Christopher Columbus discovered America in 1892.”

Seriously?! Where in the hell would you get that idea?

“Well, the book says it.”

Oh it does?

“Yes.”

The scary thing here, by the way, is that no one seems to want to argue the point. That’s fine – most of these kids aren’t interested in bucking authority, even if it’s well-worth bucking. I’m going to give them all… most of them… some of them… a few of them… Trevor, the benefit of the doubt.

“So can we move on?”

No. There is no way in hell we are moving on here.

“You’re disrupting my class.”

You’re disrupting history. You’ve literally just erased four centuries from the World. Poof. Gone.

“The book says – “

Aren’t you familiar with the rhyme about Columbus and when he discovered America?

“Eighteen Hundred Ninety-Two Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”

Is that in the book too?

“No.”

So you’ve cobbled that together via inference based upon the fantastically-accurate text in the book. Joy. I bet Trevor knows the rhyme. Hit her with it, Trevor!

“Fourteen Hundred Ninety-Two Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”

See?

“But this book says – “

It’s a typo. But worse than that, you don’t know yourself when Columbus discovered America. How much of what you’ve taught us this year do you really know? Do prepositional phrases even exist?! They’d better after all that nonsense you put us through! And don’t get me started adverbs!

“Are you done?”

No. I’m so far away from done that I’ll have jet lag by the time we get to done!

“Then what? This book says – “

Fine. The book says. Great. Good job, Book! Well done! So then, Miss MadeUpNameToDisguiseTheSoVeryObviouslyGuilty, any reason why Columbus waited to discover America until after, say, the American Revolution?

“…”

You do realize we’d have to discover America before Revolting over it, right?

“…”

How about the American Civil War? Kinda silly for brother to kill brother over something that hasn’t even been discovered yet!

“…”

Do you think maybe Columbus would’ve wanted to stop on by the continent before we’d already gotten about 19 presidents deep into this shindig? I mean, it’s kinda hard to “discover” something when we’ve all got it well under control.

“…”

If he waited any longer it might have been helpful had he, oh… I dunno… discovered what the Nazis were up to perhaps… Or maybe skipped right by us and asked the Japanese if they were planning any surprises.

“Alright. Fine. It’s a typo. It doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

Yes. Actually, it very much means it’s not true. Because if it were true then that wouldn’t be a typo. If you’re admitting it is a typo, then it isn’t true!

“I don’t understand.”

I know. That’s what’s so sad about this. I’m willing to admit that’s a typo. It still doesn’t forgive you for not knowing when Columbus discovered America.

“…”

What are we reading anyway?

“Tom Sawyer.”

Smaller battles it is!